Six months....

Well my six month checkup is coming up next week and again I am a little wary. I haven't been feeling my best these past few weeks, but don't know whether to chalk it up to stress and tax season, or if my body is trying to tell me something. My belly has been extremely tender and feels like it is huge. I have gained back about four pounds since January, but the only place my clothes do not seem to fit is my waist and belly. I know that is not necessarily an indicator, and it might just be my hormonal imbalance....but I still have this hidden fear that something has spread. I wonder if and when that fear will ever go away...

Three Month followup

Life is good, no let me rephrase that, life is great. Although I was diagnosed with stage 1a ovarian and 1c uterine cancer, the surgery removed it all. My prognosis is fantastic, in my opinion, that I only have a 10 to 15 % chance of having a recurrence. I do not have to undergo any further treatments such as chemo or radiation. I only have to get blood work and have pap smears every three months for the next two years. And if all is good with that, I get to cut that back to every six months for the next two years and then once per year. So I am on the five year plan with my oncologist.

I must admit I was a little nervous for my first checkup...I felt like that blood test would really tell if the cancer was gone. Prior to surgery the CA-125 was 167 and I was praying the first test would be around the normal range of 35. Mine was 6.9!!! Believe me, I was doing a happy dance after that.

So even before this little bump in my road of life, I felt like things happened for a reason. Like people you meet teach you something more about yourself. So this was a big one for me. I had been trying hard to start living my life versus just going through the motions this past year...now I guess I have been given another reality check. About how you just never know what can happen in your life, so time to start living and enjoying and doing.

I went to Harvard, but don't know if I passed or failed!

So, I am back on the roller-coaster...almost like a Halloween joke. Is this a trick or a treat? So I got the good news following surgery that everything was benign. What they don't really stress is that your not fine until the Pathologist speaks. Well, right now mine is speaking in a foreign language.

I have been asking about my pathology since the Monday after my surgery, and kept getting vague answers from the oncologists office. First they told me that since he was on vacation, they couldn't give me any information until he reviewed it. Then they told me it wasn't "checked out" yet. So how long do these samples keep anyway?

Yesterday I had my two week post op check up with the regular gyn/surgeon...and his first comment walking into the room was that he couldn't get a hold of the pathology either!!! What the F? So I stressed my frustration and insisted that he call again to see what he could find out. Well he ended up speaking straight to the pathologist, and came in to tell me that my biopsy's had been sent to another pathologist at Harvard. Seems I am special. So gyn/surgeon got me an appointment with Dr. Oncologist for this morning.

What a futile appointment that turned in to. Evidently my "case" gets more complex as things go on. My ovaries (the main reason I went to the doctor to begin with) were fine, as were my fallopian tubes and cervix...my uterus seems to have taken center stage now. Evidently, I had a very small area on the wall of my uterus with some suspicious looking cells. And the pathologist here did not feel completely confident that he could deem them benign or malignant so he sent them to another pathologist to give his opinion. I googled the second pathologist at Harvard and he is a pretty big deal, so I guess I should feel that at least I am in the greatest of care. Unfortunately, I am also feeling like my life as I know it is now in this one man's decision. He will determine if I have uterine cancer. And what does that mean exactly??? I have not one clue. My uterus is gone, so am I safe? My oncologist today would not comment on anything, I felt like I was talking to a politician. He would not name the cells, or say one thing basically until he has the final pathology report in his hands to read. So again, I get to have a waiting game to find out my near future.

Yesterday I was so happy, I was feeling good, considering it is just two weeks post surgery, the gyn/surgeon approved me to go back to work for four hours per day starting next Monday. I guess I was just kind of oblivious to the other stuff he told me...then my good friend Connie, a OB/Gyn Nurse Practitioner, brought me back to reality. It's all about the pathology....

Post Op

Home, sweet, home...I am finally home. It feels good to be home, but I haven't a clue what to do.

Surgery went very well, except for the part where I was supposed to be operated on at 1:00, which turned into 2:30, which ended up being 4:30. The waiting was worse than anything, once under, things went very smoothly...so they tell me. Thankfully, I remember nothing! NO CANCER!!! Which I knew ahead of time in my gut, so...I told you so!!! Had to get that in there!

I have yet to speak to Dr. Puls directly, just his partners and residents, which kinda annoys me, but I guess that is part of modern medicine today. They are now referring to my cyst as a tumor, benign tumor, and after removing all of my female parts, decided my appendix wasn't looking to great so took it out as well. So I have a lovely little scar (about 4 1/2 inches) and a huge pouch above it. Hopefully the pouch will calm down soon, as it is not very attractive, but they keep telling me that when those big man hands get inside and start moving all of your parts around, things get jumbled up for a while.

The day after surgery was great, I guess I was still under the influence of the anesthetic, so was feeling high on life, no pain, etc. Day two was a crasher...not so much on pain, just sore and bored.

I want to say so much more, but just lost my energy, so will continue on in another post...hopefully later today.

Thank you all for your support and well wishes during this process.

Just call me zipper girl

Well, I met the oncologist/surgeon yesterday and liked him. I was warned that surgeon's don't have the best bedside manner, but he was very personable. The worst part of the meeting was that I found out that I cannot have the laprascopic (sp) surgery. So I naturally freaked. I do not want to be stuck at home for four to six weeks. I will absolutely go stir crazy. And I am not looking forward to the incision pain, or the lovely scar either. Unfortunately my body has a tendency toward keloid scars...for those of you that are unfamiliar with that, it means your scar looks more like a fat fussy caterpillar. So I will now have a caterpillar running from my navel to my v-jay-jay. I still do not think and will not allow myself to think that I have cancer. Dr. Puls obviously did not say one way or the other, only said that I am not showing the typical signs of his other patients with ovarian cancer (score one point in my favor). But he did comment that the fact that my CA-125 was 167 that he feels something is causing it. He is cutting me open in order to be able to biopsy lymph nodes, tummy tissue, check around my intestines etc for signs of other things that my be causing my raised levels, if my ovaries biopsy's come back benign.

So I am just ready to get it over with. I have tons of work to do prior to d-day (which is Wednesday the 14th at 1:00). I called Merry Maids yesterday to come and clean my house this Tuesday so that is one less thing I have to think about. I am going to have to come up with a solution for Maggie, my beagle puppy, she loves jumping on the bed and on my stomach and crawling all over me...and that will not work next week at all. Any ideas? The longer I stay away from her, the worse she will be. If I am around a lot, I think she will be calmer.

I am also thinking of getting my hair chopped off. It is shoulder length and requires some work to dry, style, etc. If it drys wet it looks like I put my finger in an electrical socket. I am just thinking that going short, I can towel dry and gel it. But the thought of growing it back out is not a happy one...it takes forever and is not too pretty in the process. It isn't really long enough right now to just pull it back into a pony tail.

Keep those happy, sunny, thoughts coming my way! Thanks for all of your support.

2:48 A.M.

My sleep demons have returned...after two great nights of sleeping almost the entire night, I am again awake and exhausted. My mind is churning with a million things. I feel ill just thinking about everything. I hate that I am letting my mind overtake my body with vile. I feel angry.

I got the call my gyn office today that the oncologist does want to see me, possibly do another ultra sound. Then he is going to decide if he should be doing the surgery or if the gyn/surgeon will. My appointment is Friday at 8:00 and it can't come soon enough. I just want this over and done with, no cancer, back to life as I knew it fourteen days ago.

"The Lost Symbol"

If you are planning on reading Dan Brown's new novel "The Lost Symbol", then you might not want to read this blog...

I love how he intertwines fact with fiction so well that you find yourself researching which is which. The book seems to touch upon what I am going through in my life right now, in regards to tackling mind over matter. One of the characters is researching Noetic science wherein she is trying to prove the power that the mind has to heal, make things happen, etc.

My mantra these days is "I do not have cancer". I believe that positive thinking will provide positive results. For many years I just allowed negative beings to influence my life, bringing me down with them. But I made a conscience decision to change the type of people that I kept company with. I now try to align myself with as many positive thinking, acting, expressive people as possible. Yes we all have bad days now and then, life happens, but it is how you react to those types of days that says something about you. I cannot and will not allow this one blow to my daily life bring me to my knees. The facts are the doctors are basing my surgery on one test (CA-125) and one little cyst that looks funky. The CA-125 has a reputation as not being very accurate to predict someone has cancer, but it is used more as a guage after diagnosis. Those patients already diagnosed can see that test number reduce with positive therapy.

Another aspect of the book is about the Freemason's. The story claims that the Masons believed that all religious text really are trying to tell man that they have to open their minds up to enlightenment and not necessarily worship of a GOD. The book of revelations is not about the end, but about the "reveal" of knowledge to man. This part of the book really caught my attention as to the amount of science in the Bible....again, the author makes me want to find out what is real and what is fiction....but he weaves such a believable tale. I enjoy learning and especially love a book that leaves me wanting more information.

So tonight I will think about my mantra before I go to sleep so that I keep it in my head all night long and wake up alive and "well" in the moring....

Good night and sleep well....